in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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