Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
