please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
