You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I need to calm my uterus...
You've changed since you got that strap on
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
