So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
