I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
