Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize