I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
