Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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