You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
