Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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