I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
