I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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