Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
