how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Randomize
