I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
