Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Never joke about your clitoris.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
