Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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