Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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