Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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