dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
