I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
