I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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