Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
