i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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