i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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