my mouth tastes like poor choices
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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