Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
