I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
