I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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