you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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