I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
