He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
