me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
