you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
