The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
