I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
