Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
bring money and cleavage
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize