happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize