I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
