If that was your dad, he is hot
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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