I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
