I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize