Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
