It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
