You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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