She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
