So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
