oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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