After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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