good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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