the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
