I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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