Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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