he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
