Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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