so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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