Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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