getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
