Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
