my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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